Welcome to Oluwafineboy's Jotter

How do I know if I’m ready to marry? Do most people consider you emotionally mature, able to compromise, communicate well, share your feelings, and handle anger constructively? Do you love this other person so much that you are willing to put his or her happiness before your own? Are you marrying out of strength (I know who I am and am happy with myself) rather than weakness (I need someone to fill the gaps in my personality)? Have you developed strong friendships that have lasted over time? Are you able to keep commitments and delay gratification? Do you struggle on a regular basis with harmful habits or addictions, e.g. to alcohol, drugs, or pornography? That’s not necessarily a reason not to marry, but it is something that left untreated can seriously weaken your ability to have a healthy marriage. Is God calling you to marriage? Have you prayed and discerned about this? How do I know if this is the right person? Do you share similar basic values about respecting hu...

While dating or engaged, it is exciting to look ahead to your future family.  It is also important, however, to look at your families of origin, or the family you grew up in.  Our experiences from our childhood, our relationships with parents and siblings, our cultural heritage and traditions, and our family practices all greatly influence our expectations and attitudes toward our future family.  There are going to be aspects of our family of origin that we would like to replicate in our future family, and other aspect which we would like to change. That is perfectly normal and expected. It is important to remember that you and your significant other might have had very different experiences with your family while growing up, and even now, and you may have different expectations for your future family together. This is not only an opportunity to make decisions in regards to your future family, but also a great time to learn more about your significant other! Question...

On their wedding day, the bride and groom are asked: “Will you accept children lovingly from God and bring them up according to the law of Christ and his Church?” Dreaming together about the children you hope to have is one of the most exciting parts of getting married. However, unless you’re entering a step-parent family or already have children, the nuts and bolts of daily parenting are probably not high on your radar screen. Here’s a suggested list of items that couples should discuss before they get married regarding children and parenting. See if you’ve covered most of them. Childbearing Do we both want to have children? [ Note: Because the Catholic Church teaches that marriage is ordered toward the union of spouses and the procreation and education of children, if one or both spouses intend never to have children (as opposed to postponing pregnancy for a just reason), the marriage could be considered invalid. ] Do we hope to have children right away? What are the financi...

Commitment is not a very “sexy” word or concept but it probably has more to do with making marriages work than anything except common values. It’s not just about reciting marriage vows or having a piece of paper that says “marriage license.” Commitment is important because we act differently when we know that our futures are tied together. You may avoid a prickly conversation if you know the other person will not be around forever. You may move on to another love if your current one has a debilitating accident or simply starts to rub you the wrong way. Commitment means you’ve promised to stay and work it through, not just today but forever.

As a courting or engaged couple, you have probably discussed where to draw the line about sexual intimacy before marriage. The Catholic Church teaches that every act of sexual intercourse is intended by God to express love, commitment and openness to life in the total gift of the spouses to each other. This total commitment is possible only in marriage. As you move towards marriage, it’s important to make sure that sexual intimacy builds on other kinds of intimacy and does not short circuit your knowing each other on many levels. What are those other levels? John Van Epp, Ph.D. explains in his book,  How To Avoid Marrying a Jerk,  that a healthy sexual relationship comes in stages of bonding: Knowledge of the other beyond the superficial Trust in the other to be a person of integrity Reliability of the other to be a person you can count on Commitment to the other that is not temporary Sexual Touch in which you give yourself fully to your belove...

Perhaps you are approaching marriage on a sound financial footing. You’ve finished your education, have been employed for several years, maybe even have some savings or own a house. Perhaps you are set – or so you think. But having enough money for a comfortable lifestyle is not all that finances in marriage is about. It’s also about power. It might not seem that way at first. The two of you might have every intention of sharing incomes completely. You certainly don’t see each other as people who will dictate how much money can be spent on a cup of coffee. But weird things can happen when money is merged. Old memories from our family of origin start to replay in our heads. You may agree that it’s fine if one spouse makes more money than the other. Then the primary wage earner sees the other spending his or her hard-earned cash on something like a NGN500 hair cut or a round of drinks at the club. One person’s necessity is another’s luxury. What if you’re not in the enviable pos...

Balancing career and family is one of the greatest challenges facing newly married couples. Just when you thought marriage was going to simplify your life, you start to realize that there are decisions ahead, such as: Whose career takes priority? Will both of us continue to work outside the home once we have children? Is it fair for me to be stuck in a dead-end job in order to put you through school? Will the spouse with the higher income have more say in how our money is spent? If you work and I work, who does the housework? Don’t lock yourselves into a house or car payment that requires two incomes. All of a sudden, wedding planning looks minor by comparison. And it should, because these are big decisions that affect your future lives together. But you don’t have to make them alone and you don’t have to make them in a vacuum. This website cannot give you personalized career advice, but we can pass on the wisdom of many practitioners in the field of marriage enrichment...

Communication usually comes easily and smoothly to most engaged couples. They can talk to each other about just anything. It may even be hard to understand how or why married couples fight. You may say to yourselves, “We’ll never be like that.” And maybe you won’t. On the other hand, you may have already had some quarrels and worry about how to get through these times more smoothly in the future. Wedding planning can bring up all kinds of new areas that spark disagreements. What you are experiencing is normal for your relationship stage. The challenge is not to avoid conflict but to learn to use it to clear the air. Through it all, you’ll want to love and respect each other. Even as two people grow close together, they will occasionally think differently and have different opinions on how to handle a situation. If this doesn’t ever occur, it is likely that one partner is avoiding a confrontation, submerging his/her identity, or always giving in. That’s not healthy for marriag...

From the article of last night we have some sub-topics, i was sleeping while updating the article so i could not cover all the sub-topics, tonight i will be discussing about one of the sub-topic... put this question in mind while reading the article: In Love, Hope and Trust, which is the best? you can drop your answers and comments at the comment section... When couples are on the verge of a major life transition such as marriage, they begin to think about life, love, values…and the future. To a great extent this is what spirituality is about – our human search for happiness and the meaning of life. Is life just about the here and now? Do morals make any difference? Is death really the end? Is there a reason to live beyond my own comfort? Is that all there is? Perhaps you’re putting off some of these heavy questions for a rainy day when your job is more settled, or wedding pressures subside… or you reach retirement. Whether you address them or not, however, the big life issue...

As a dating or engaged couple, conversation probably comes easily. The two of you enjoy talking about just anything. Just about anything that is, except ugly disagreements. It doesn’t change much in marriage except there are more things to disagree about. You can’t run away from prickly conversations – for long. If anything, marriage accentuates the mild differences you have while dating. They can become serious disagreements once the initial excitement of new love becomes the comfort of secure love. Before you marry, consider “must have conversations” on these topics: Spirituality/Faith Conflict Resolution Skills Careers Finances Intimacy/Cohabitation Children and Parenting Commitment Family of Origin You’ve probably already talked about most of these topics – at least to some degree. Great! That should confirm your decision to marry. But don’t avoid topics that might be sensitive. This is the time to face difficult conversations and make sure you are on the same pa...

“God, give me patience—right now!” Most of us have probably said some version of that prayer. Perhaps we’re waiting for a wife to finish dressing when we’re already 20 minutes late. Or we find—again—a husband’s dirty socks and underwear on the floor instead of in the laundry basket. When long-married couples are asked the recipe for marital success, many identify patience as a key ingredient. It’s the indispensable virtue for living together day after day in relative peace, without constant struggles to change the other to our liking. Patience in marriage begins with the individual. Our daily routine gives us ample opportunity to practice patience: waiting at the drive-through window, teaching our child a soccer skill, or learning a new computer application. As we grow in patience outside the home, we bring the virtue into the home. Patience with co-workers and store clerks translates into patience with my spouse and children.  Sometimes, the answer to the question “What ...